I Forgive Myself (A Poem) | Ryan West

I forgive myself.

I forgive that child that didn’t know he just wanted his momma to say she loved him at 10.

I forgive that child for not knowing it wasn’t his fault his daddy–who was drug dealer to the hood–didn’t know how to love his queer child.

I forgive that child that just wanted to watch MASH with his grandma and go to Lubys for that classic Lu’ann platter but decided to play with the boys outside and be the only one having to dodge the ball. 

I forgive myself for thinking that loving him more than I love myself would make him stay.

I forgive myself for not going home when I know I should have. 

I forgive myself for being too hard up when he just asked me to open.

I forgive myself for not loving me enough on those cold winter nights when my own thoughts told me “I don’t matter,” I forgive myself for thinking drugs felt better than human love, I forgive myself for When I thought I didn’t deserve intimacy, just deserved to be empty. 

I forgive myself.

I forgive my future self for the mistakes that I will make to that person that decides to love me.

I forgive my future self for still processing that I am HIV positive but my diagnosis doesn’t define me.

I forgive my future self for not knowing when to just listen and not react.

I forgive my future self for not really telling my friends why I’m crying.

I forgive my future self for not realizing I am magic, and that I am going to make my ancestors proud!

Ryan West @inthegardenofryan
(They/Them)
Gran Varones Fellow
Austin, Texas